from over here, love looks so sweet. but… so. terrifying…

and i'm still learning how to be mine

from over here,
love looks so sweet.
but… so. terrifying.
because i don’t yet know how.
how to be so close to someone and not
crumble into a wild mess of love
where i lose me.
the last time i got close…
my god, how i lost me.
so much that i could barely feel me. or hear me.
and it’s the deepest ache i’ve ever known
when i can’t feel me.
so i’m still learning… how not to dim
and quiet and run and hide and tame me.
how to hold my own fire even when
my heart catches fire.
how to hold on so tight to my own depths
that even when i’m tangled deep in you…
i’m still always mine…

and i’m still learning how to be mine.

– butterflies rising

– butterflies rising

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without a fight…

...let me fall madly for me first.

beautiful…
the way you say it,
how it feels. too. good.
like quenching thirst on my skin.
how i feel too desperate to hear it…
but how i can’t let it stay because
i’m too unsure to hold it.
so please…
don’t say it.
i want to have heard it enough in
my own voice that i don’t need you to say it…
but, also… so that when you do…
i can let it fall on me without a fight

…let me fall madly for me first.

– butterflies rising

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i love like flowers and fire… i don’t know any other way – poem…

i love like flowers and fire...

i love like flowers and fire…
i don’t know any other way. soft and vulnerable,
and wild and burning… with my heart broken. wide. open.
and even though he came in like wildfire, he was just. broken.
and hardened. and filled with an ugliness raging inside of him
and he thought that if he raged hard enough against me
that he could rage an ugliness out from inside of me too.
then he could say, “see, it’s you.” that he could be so hard to
love that he could make me feel hard to love too. but i just
softly left the room. a graceful exit. and i wrote all my
feelings down to shed his hardened residue. and to remind
myself of all the ways that there are such beautiful
and tender things in me… always.

instead of becoming rage too, i said to my heart..
exit gracefully. heal and grow.
don’t look back.

– butterflies rising

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