too full, too much…

for so long
i thought if i could
just become. enough.
that it would be enough
for him to be good to me…
until i finally realized that
wasn’t what he wanted.
he wanted me
to be pretty enough
to be beautiful in his eyes,
but my eyes better
not be too bright,
and that dress better
not be too short,
and those lips better not be
too full of lush and love
or talk of too much life for
anyone else to see something
beautiful in me…
or heaven forbid, for me to see
something beautiful in myself.
and those dreams i had to
find my voice and to spill out
the words and the wild
from my heart onto pages
and out into the world…
if i was chasing those dreams,
then i wouldn’t be small enough
or sitting still enough as
the sure thing there waiting
while he was chasing his.
the more i tried to be. enough.
the more i became too much.
because underneath all the
ways he needed me to be small,
“enough” is what he felt
like he wasn’t.

– butterflies rising

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a graceful exit…

i love like flowers and fire...

i love like flowers and fire…
i don’t know any other way.
soft and vulnerable,
and wild and burning…
with my heart broken. wide. open.
and even though he came in like wildfire,
he was just. broken.
and hardened. and filled with an
ugliness raging inside of him
and he thought that if he raged
hard enough against me
that he could rage an ugliness out
from inside of me too.
then he could say, “see, it’s you.”
that he could be so hard to love that
he could make me feel hard to love too.
but i just softly left the room.
a graceful exit.
and i wrote all my feelings down to shed
his hardened residue.
and to remind myself of all the ways
that there are such beautiful and tender
things in me… always.

– butterflies rising

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when it matters…

but did you love her with an ache when you had her?

you say it aches,
how much you miss her…
but did you love her with an ache when you had her?

you had every bit of her full attention,
but where was yours?
she broke her heart open for you
again and again… and you just. kept. closing yours.

and so you lost her. and now you learn…
you learn that holding has to have wanting,
and appreciating, and valuing. you learn that love
isn’t static. it’s kinetic, it’s movement,
it’s growth and curiosity. you learn that there has
to be just as much
there has to be more wanting in the holding
than there is in missing, or in reaching for.

you learn that you have to ache for people when it matters…
you have to love someone when you have them.

– butterflies rising

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exoneration…

standing strong in your fully mended bones

i hope that one day
the person who hurt you sees you from afar
dancing in the radiance of
your unburdened spirit and standing
strong in your fully mended bones…

and that for just a moment you feel their gaze,
so you can forever know, without question,
the powerlessness of their
perception over you

– butterflies rising

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incapable…

never capable of feeling anything at all

i finally stopped waiting…
waiting for him to feel sorry, to feel regret,
to feel guilty, to realize how much he had lost
in me and to feel some certain way for all
that he had done to me

i finally understood…
it really never had anything to do with me.
someone who is capable of all
that he had done was just never capable
of feeling anything at all.

– butterflies rising

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